UAF - Trouble in the Ranks The latest from our award-winning under-cover reporter “Amuna Cuva”
One needn’t look far before the cracks in the UAF line up start showing - I wanted to delve further into this and unearth just how bad it is. The following is a summary of my findings having spent 4 weeks disguised as the HH Satellite City shrink - tough gig having to listen again and again to Ghoul moaning about all the psychological damage his self-harming fire is causing!
Anyway, onto the main story…let’s start with the UAF backstory. Dwindling resources fuelled my first line of enquiry.
Extracts from one-to-one sessions booked by UAF members and myself.
Nightingale: “…but these trousers are just way too tight for the positions Ryker expects me to get into.”
Amuna Cuva (AC): “OK - let’s divert back to what I believe is really troubling you - tell me more about the new addition to your family.”
Nightingale: “Oh dear old pops…”
AC: “WHAT! He’s your dad?!?!?!?!”
Nightingale: No way dude - he’s Ryker’s dad! There’s been some massive mis-understanding. Basically Wesson managed to get out of his old people’s home and, before we could intervene, convinced HotHead staff that he was the latest addition to the UAF squad…something he has been blurting on about in this fictional world he sees himself living in…Anyway, somehow they bought it and now he’s in. Ryker was furious, but when I reminded him he wouldn’t have to pay the special care bills anymore he mellowed."
AC: “That is quite a big mix up - isn’t it a good thing though to have Ryker’s dad closer to home now?”
Nightingale: “Yeah it is on the one hand. But then on the other, we as an alliance are struggling to fund all this kick ass armoury we rely on in the field and now we see half our budget being spent on old people’s diapers and god knows how much on dirty magazines…pops is insatiable!”
I hope you’re getting a flavour for what I managed to unearth in my time under cover. But it’s not just the lack of support and slightly higher than average age that hurts the UAF - it’s the in-fighting as the following shows.
Baron: “You would not believe how hot and sweaty I get in this outfit. I mean - for real, you could sate the lack of water in some third world countries from this bad boy!”
AC: “I’m sorry, how is that relevant? I was asking you to describe your relationship with the other UAF members.”
Baron: “Oh sorry, me and my scatty brain! Butter and I used to be tight - you know what I mean. [gestures with finger and hole shape in other hand]. Then Oracle arrived and Butter can’t seem to find the time for me anymore - she has him out in the field collecting all the spent artillery shells that she up-cycles and sells on through her spin-off business in the porn industry - I don’t need to tell you what alternative uses can be found for spent artillery shells…Long story short - Butter and I are not talking anymore and now no one is rubbing me down, I’ve got a rash.”
I could go on - but the above gives you a picture of the trouble UAF find themselves in. Salt on the wound of course is that they are being called up as featured alliance so soon after their debut.
I say give them a break - Wesson says: “Give me a boner” I think that sums it up…
Appendix - extracts from notes not included above, but serve to add further colour to this harrowing tale of a once-great alliance that is coming apart at the seams:
Wesson: “…I am a fairy and created the colour pink…Don’t you say otherwise or I will *&^% you up”
Wesson: “…if I want to eat turd I will eat turd - do you want some? I keep some in my pocket at all times.”